me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
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Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
The opposite of goth is stopth.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder