Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
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Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
blocked.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team