Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
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I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
*orders delivery*
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Yep.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Um … Hot Wings please
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).