Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
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They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Are we there yet?…
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Called it