Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
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You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk