me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
You Might Also Like
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
the best thing i’ve ever made
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)