me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
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I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.