Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
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Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
2022: I can fix it
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.