Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
You Might Also Like
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
a god among men
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.