Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
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anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport