Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
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What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
shit, they caught us—run!!!
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.