PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
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Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
accurate
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
This did not end as expected.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.