Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
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I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves