Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
You Might Also Like
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
There’s no “us” in nachos.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.