Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
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Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.