Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
You Might Also Like
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.