I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
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well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Dance like you’re not the father
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.