my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
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Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”