Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
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Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT