I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
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Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Strange
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first