Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
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“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Don’t we all.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Chicken bread
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.