Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
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(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet