Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
You Might Also Like
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”