Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
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*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.