Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
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If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”