Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
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[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Owl Sanctuary
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.