ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
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My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”