[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
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sliding into dms like
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
“No way.” -Jose
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.