Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
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[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”