Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
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High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
kevin is now a local weatherman
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.