Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
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[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
your honor my client chooses dare
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.