Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
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Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”