Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
You Might Also Like
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
This classic never gets old . . .
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this