A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
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Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
forgive me baja for i have blast
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it