Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
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*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.