Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
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yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Noah was an idiot.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
honestly, i need both:
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Blew out my flip flop…
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”