me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
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They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
My what?
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire