me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
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(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.