me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
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If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember