Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
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Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
no such thing as a dumb question
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on