Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
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just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Brb my Sims are getting married
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today