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@Torgo_phylum: Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
Me: Like burger kings!
@lylelaun: If someone held a gun to my head and said “do cross fit or you die” at least my obituary could say “Kyla died doing what she loved. Not exercising.”
@MissHavisham: 7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
@Mom_Overboard: Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma'am that is not how lasik eye surgery works...
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or...?
@Molly_Kats: WHO ARE YOU RUNNING FROM IN YOUR OWN APARTMENT YOU FAT MONSTER NEIGHBOR I shout to my ceiling.
@DaddyJew: [putting kid to bed]
Me: I love you
6 half asleep: I love french fries