The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
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*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Sharon, call the vet
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.