At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
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Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.