Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
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Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I hope this email finds you in a well
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.