OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
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CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Flock of bats
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Steam Forums
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
me when I see my crush
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”