This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
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that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
twitter users today:
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.