me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
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can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
After 35, your body ages in dog years
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
“what that mouth do?” complain
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
What about second breakfast?
my retirement plan is braless
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.