me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
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when dads have a rap battle
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares