100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
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My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today