@BillMc7: me: *tries to help old lady cross the street*
old lady: I have a boyfriend.
@roggyie: If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there's nothing I can do about it.
@HowToBeADad: I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
@kwirkyKerri: I don't have a pet so I decided to adopt the spider living in the corner of my kitchen. Her name is Monique. I hope she isn't knocked up.
@curlymalloy: I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
@Ristolable: "Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?"
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs