[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
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I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Chemical wingman
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.